Confessions of an Evil Turtle
by The Evil Turtle
Summary: The Evil Turtle strikes again! This is the journal of a small green turtle who is trying to take over the world. The poor guy is somewhat warped, and not everything goes right for him. ENJOY!!! (He has a british accent!)
1. Day 1, Phase 1

Day 1: March 17, 2003  
7:00 am -  
  
Hello, I am the Evil Turtle. I am green (duh) and I am a tad bad. Today is the day, I can just feel it in my tiny bones (or maybe that's just the ach of the fall.) Today I will begin My Plan To Take Over The World!! Now I must go off and laugh evilly.  
  
10:00 am -  
  
Was laughing quite evilly when I got to the edge of the desk. I fell off mid-laugh, and it has taken me almost 3 hours to climb up the leg of the desk. I believe I have hurt my tail, but I will never be sure, for my neck can't turn around that far.  
  
10:05 am -  
  
Tried to look at my tail and strained my neck. I can't feel my tail anymore; I believe this could be a slight determent in My Plan To Take Over The World, though.  
  
11:00 am -  
  
A human personage by the call of Roy took me to a facility for animal health. They searched my tail, and then I felt a prick on my left hind leg. I have now awoken from, um, something and I can't feel my body below the waist and I am back on the desk. The idiot Roy has left, farewell Roy, this is probably the last time I'll see thee, (sarcasm drips of my sentiment, doesn't it?) Despite the numbness of my hind legs, I seem to be able to use them well enough, for I can move forward.  
  
12:00 pm -  
  
My damned legs have catapulted me off the desk again!! Luckily I landed on the book of paper I'm writing in, thus saving myself from *gasp* a crack in my shell. I believe I've lost time from My Plan To Take Over The World.  
  
6:00 pm -  
  
I have started my trek to the outside universe. NO MORE DESKS FOR ME!! I said farewell to Tallulah, the other turtle, who is not a tad bad, unlike moi. She accused me of carrying a diary, the nerve!! Stupid girlie turtles, this book of paper, which I happen to write my thoughts and secrets in, that is locked and has the words DO NOT READ plastered on the front, is NOT a diary. I shall have to remember to put her at the top of My List Of People To DOOM And Wish Bad Things For.  
  
9:00 pm -  
  
Can't. move. any. farther. Must. get. to. shelter. and. sleep! I have now reached the lawn. I will take shelter under the porch steps and sleep for the night. My Plan For Taking Over The World has begun!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do some quick evil-ish laughing, and then rejuvenate for phase 2 of My Plan: get to the Quick-e-Mart down the road.  
  
9:05 pm -  
  
If you hadn't noticed, my small-brained human, Phase One was: get to front porch steps after a quick check up, DUHHHHH!!!!! Now back to my laughing evilly. 


	2. Day 2, Phase 2, Penguin

DISCLAIMER ~ I TAKE FULL COPYWRITING RITES FOR THESE CHARACTERS AND PLACES. IF YOU WISH TO USE ANY OF THEM, JUST ASK. THANK YOU. ~ Jenna  
Day 2: March 18, 2003  
  
10:00 am -  
  
Got off to a rather slow start this morning. Phase 2 of My Plan To Take Over The World is now set in motion, though. I am happily cruzing the front streets on my way to the Quik-e-Mart. I can't help myself; I must laugh evilly, for My Plan To Take Over The World is hurling itself into action. (Laughing time!!)  
  
12:00 pm -  
  
It seems the third house down has a dog. As I was evil laughing, and traveling down the road to the QeM I must have awoken the stupid thing. It bounded over the short fence and started in a chase after me. I waddled as fast as I could, but (as I am a turtle, and impeccably slow) I got nowhere in a hurry. In my luck, the beast didn't seem to have too much of a brain (unlike my superior one) and he ran straight into my shell, sending me soaring a few yards, and then under a car. He tried to chase me, poor insane animal that it was, and ran smack into the vehicle. Giving me these, what is it now, two hours to get away? I chuckle at his stupidity. Oh dear, I feel of fit of evilly laughter launching itself on me, hold on please.  
  
3:00 pm -  
  
I have now evilly laughed for about 2 hours and I am finally pleased with my outbursts and believe they won't happen again. Almost four more houses and then I will be able to see the QeM over the hill in the road. Hold on, I believe there is something coming up behind me; it is tall, I can see the shadow. DAMN, it's a flippin' bird. They eat my kind when we're young. I'd best be careful and pretend I don't notice it. Humming should do the trick.  
  
3:30 pm -  
  
Attempted the humming idea. It failed horribly. The bird came close enough and started talking to me. It introduced itself as The Semi-Destructive Penguin. She is actually quite intellectual, which I find amusing. I have decided to let her tag along, for she can waddle faster than I. I have also granted her the privilege of carrying me when I am too weary to walk. She seemed a little perturbed at this but didn't say anything. We had a quick chat and began walking again. I explained to her My Plan To Take Over The World, which she decided was good, and would work. I also let her know that she was now sworn to secrecy if she liked it or not, and also that if she felt comfortable with it, she was now a part of My Plan. I have also begun My List Of People To DOOM And Wish Bad Things For. Here is the beginning:  
  
My List Of People To DOOM And Wish Bad Things For:  
  
Tallulah - The crazed female turtle of my long ago life  
  
Roy - I don't know why I'm dooming the pitiful person, actually.  
  
The Dunce Dog - Well, he did try to attack me, didn't he?  
  
4:00 pm -  
  
I now only have 3 houses for my friend The Semi-Destructive Penguin to carry me. I hope she feels as much privileged in this action as she is. I believe I will ask her if she has a nickname because her name (already mentioned) is almost too long for my poor Evil Turtle hand to write.  
  
4:30 pm -  
  
I have asked her if she would mind a nickname, to which she merely shook her head. So she suggested a few, sanity questioning things like Flower, or Rose. I shot these down with my own shake of head. Then, through a strike of my superior genius I came up with the perfect nickname.  
  
4:35 pm -  
  
It has just occurred to me that you may want to learn what this nickname was. So hear it is: Tea Has To Pee. Would you believe she didn't like this name at first? A name thought up just for her by me, of all evil things!! How insulting. I got over it quickly though and explained the reason for it quickly. It is almost an acronym of sorts. For if you take the first letter to each name she has you end up with TSDP. I had said this over quite a few times in my head, and then I accidentally said it really quickly out loud. So, you try and see what you get.  
  
4:40 pm -  
  
Well? Have you tried it yet? NO!! Well do it then!!!  
  
4:50 pm -  
  
That's better, now you see where it is I'm coming from, don't you. I believe she isn't very content with it though. I guess I will have to use my brain cells for her, AGAIN! Well I see that we have now passed house number 3 and have 2 more to go, until we see the QeM.  
  
6:00 pm -  
  
Boy the bird is quite testy. We have the QeM in our sights. I had mentioned around 5:55 if she would save both My Plan To Take Over The World, and us, some time and just fly to the damned place. Tea Has To Pee then became all huffy and was rather rude when she said, "I can't fly, just as much as you can't fly!" Well, HA, I showed her. She never saw me fly off the desk so many times. OR when the dog happened to get me started and I flew to the safety of the car.  
  
8:30 pm -  
  
Tea Has To Pee and I have finally reached the Quik-e-Mart. Phase 2 of My Plan To Take Over The World is completed. I now have to break out in song and dance to "Oh Happy Day!" So please excuse.  
  
9:00 pm -  
  
I was having a jolly good time dancing when I asked Tea Has To Pee if she'd like to dance, she then asked if I thought she looked fat to which I replied, 'no fatter then you did this morning,' and she waddled away and sat down and cried. I later went to her to ask if she was being mean to me because she didn't like her nickname, to which she replied, 'Sod off!' (Whatever the hell that may mean!) So I've decided to use my brain, once again in vain, for the bird. She really is quite nice but a bit of a nuisance sometimes.  
  
9:05 pm -  
  
Her new nickname is DHP, because the first letters of Tea Has To Pee are THTP. Using my superiority I thought up DHP by saying THTP very quickly in my head, and the really quickly and accidentally out loud, making it sound like DHP. I'm proud of myself (yet again) for thinking up this wonderful name.  
  
9:30 pm -  
  
DHP was wondering what Phase 3 would be. So I told her what Phase 3 was.  
  
9:40 pm -  
  
By the way, Phase 3 is: Find A Ride To Leave The Quik-e-Mart. 


	3. Day 3, Phase 3, gum

DISCLAIMER ~ I TAKE FULL COPYWRITING RIGHTS FOR THIS STORY. IF YOU TRY TO TAKE THIS STORY AND SAY THAT IT IS YOURS PREPARE TO BE HUNTED DOWN AND SHOT. NO ONE WILL FIND YOUR BODY OR KNOW THAT I DID IT BECAUSE I WATCHED "MURDER BY NUMBERS" AND I LEARNED FROM THEIR MISTAKES! (EVIL LAUGHS) I WILL ALSO SNATCH ALL YOUR KNICKERS AND UNTIE ALL YOUR SHOELACES!! ~ LUV Jenna.  
  
Day 3: March 19, 2003  
  
6:00 am  
  
Woke DHP up earlier than she wanted. She got all in a tissy. She was so mad that she said, "Why don't you take your DIARY and go over there and write in it!!" THE NERVE!! It is a JOURNAL not a diary. Girls really do annoy me.  
  
8:00 am  
  
My Plan To Take Over The World is starting slowly today. I plan to talk to DHP about this.  
  
8:05 am  
  
I attempted to talk to The Semi-Destructive Penguin and presently got slapped back to where I was sitting earlier. (Semi-Destructive INDEED!) Little did she know that, in truth, I used my new-found flying ability! I have noticed that some humans have been able to make a robot open and close for them allowing them in or out of the Quik-e-Mart. I decided to give DHP the privilege of carrying me inside.  
  
9:00 am  
  
We tried to get in, but the robot wouldn't let us. Finally a human came out, so DHP waddled me in. I crawled around and then I found some gum. I hid it under my shell and had DHP waddle me out again. The robot stared at me accusingly, so I started to cry. Then we were let through.  
  
12:00 pm  
  
DHP informed me that the only reason I cried is because I have salt glands behind my eyes. I don't believe her. What I do believe is that we've found yet another mysterious part of me! MY ACTING ABLITY!!!  
  
12:30 pm  
  
I'm moving around pretty sluggishly. DHP is still not talking to me. I don't understand her at all. I was lazing around and feeling very cheery (hurrah!) about having found that nice piece of gum. I think I'll take it out and chew it.  
  
1:00 pm  
  
I decided to study my gum instead of eat it. I have noticed that my friendly piece of gum has a smile! It stares at me too. I think I'll name it "GuM"! YES! Evil laughing time.  
  
1:30 pm  
  
It talked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear by all that is green, it talked! I think I'll try talking back.  
  
2:30 pm  
  
DHP has been glaring at me for the past hour. She's just jealous that I have a new friend. GuM has turned out to be quite the conversationalist, by the way. And it is so happy it never stops smiling. I told it about My Plan To Take Over The World. It occurs to me I never told you, my puny minded friend, what My Plan was either! Well, here it is: I'm going to untie every single persons shoelaces. Isn't it the most nifty and inspired thing you've ever heard?! If people are falling all over the place, tripping eachother and themselves by stepping on other shoelaces they'll have no where to turn (except for the floor) and me. I'll be the only one who won't get tripped up and they will have to aske me, "Please, Mister The Evil Turtle, help us tie our shoes!" And I'll say, "That's KING The Evil Turtle to YOU!" MUAHAHAHAHAHA (Evil laughing time) MUAHAHAHAHAHA--  
  
2:40 pm  
  
We are going to leave the QeM now. I'm excited, and so is GuM. Oh, and so is DHP.  
  
3:30 pm  
  
DHP saw that there was a truck stopped in one of the designated stopping areas. She presently picked me up and threw me in the back, then climbed up and fell over the side. I commented that it had been very graceful, but that I had thought if she flew it would have been even MORE graceful. She "harrumphed" and turned the other way.  
  
4:00 pm  
  
DHP has come up with another idea for My Plan To Take Over The World! She casually sided up to me while I was talking to GuM about Life, the Universe and Everything, and said, "What about stealing knickers?" She really floors me sometimes. It was like an epiphany. STEALING KNICERS!!!! It is the greatest idea ever! I asked her why and she simply stated: "Well, if people's shoes are untied by you and their knickers taken by me then they have to bow down to you to get you to tie their shoes, and then you can be the only one to be able to get the knickers back from me! They will have to let you take over the world then!" She really is ingenious; in a weird, female way- never mind! We've decided to call it Operation StK.  
  
6:00 pm  
  
The, er, truck is, well, (yawn) putting me to sleep with the lolling bouncing motions. DHP already fell asleep. (yawn) well, goodnight. At least Phase 3 was finished. I think I have a little time for a (yawn) small amount of evil laughter. Yes of course I do. Oh, and by the way, Phase 4 is ______________  
  
~Ok, if you couldn't understand: He stole a piece of gum from the Quik-e- Mart and thought himself the criminal mastermind. He ended up being able to cry because of salt glands behind the eyes. He believes that he can fly and that he can act. He has started to talk to the piece of gum that he found on the floor inside QeM and thinks it's smiling because the wrapper has a crease on it from being stepped on. They hitched a ride with a truck, and The Evil Turtle fell asleep while writing, thus the line. Ok! ~ Luv, Jenna. 


End file.
